So ... uhm ... sorry Mary, you're virgin pregnant

Even though this web-comic is completely dorky and I don't understand any of the toy-related jokes, you got to love it for goldies like this.

Wow, it took me a few attempts to get the HTML code for an image right. It's been a while...

Sorry, but you're too fat to live here

The British Telegraph dug out an amusing story about a couple and their troubles emigrating to the Kiwis. Way to go, I'm also strictly for less free flight luggage for people with a vastly greater BMI than mine [1].

Quite intruiging are the misconceptions by the couple's doctor.

My doctor laughed at me. He said he’d never seen anything more ridiculous in his whole life. He said not every overweight person is unhealthy or unfit.

What? Every overweight person is unhealthy - fullstop [2].

[1] 19.86 (1.85m, 68kg)
[2] Personal experience (former BMI being 26 three years ago)

Some more responses to «Pretty girl wants to marry rich guy» - still a bad trade

In response to my post about a (apparently extremely gorgious) girl with the wish to marry a rich guy someone dropped a comment I found worthy to be republished and I also found one more in an email. Enjoy

Dear Whore;

I appreciate the honesty in accessing your true occupational purpose. At 500K a year, you've tagged your coochie at an astonishing $1369 a day! Quite modest, aren't we! But I admit, I'm still intrigued at what such an astonishing figure might offer, and would hate to miss out on what must be the best lay in the world. So I'd like to go for the daily rental plan to satisfy my curiosity before taking the big plunge on a nominal lease plan.

But before I commit to a rental though, a few questions, dear.

Having seduced and rented an embarrassingly large number of women, I must say you really need to explain your pricing. You humbly find yourself spectacularly beautiful, but really now, that's just your opinion. Just last month at the Novahotel disco in Bangkok, I had 25 different Russian Anna Kournikova look-a-likes offer a rental price of $150 a night.

As a man, I imagine my beautiful meter is far more subjective than yours. Since you're American, the odds are miniscule you're even close to as beautiful as them, let alone ten times more beautiful to justify $1369 a day!

So is it your sexual performance? Just last month in Thailand and the Philippines I've donated $30 a night to at least half a dozen girls who could star in porn today. Are you 45 times better to command $1369? Hmmmm.

Is your snapper gold plated and does it shoot fire? If it only shoots darts and smoke cigars, I've already seen that for free at Long Gun in Bangkok.

Maybe you have some magical pink taco that changes transmission fluid, carries my golf bag, baits my hooks, and morphs into a different 21 year old every night? That might be worth something, I imagine. $1369? Well...

Also, you seem naive to the game. Men don't pay for sex, we pay for the women to leave. It sounds like you expect to come back every day! Good grief!! The excitement of newness fades quickly, sometimes in an afternoon, so surely there must be some decelerating price scale as the days add up. Please advise.

Lastly, you don't speak do you? I don't like to talk to whores, and avoid cocky ones like the plague, which you clearly are.

Maybe you're actually some package deal. Do you have a fleet of hot girlfriends that give great BJs or something? When it's not free, I pay just $60 in Thailand for threesomes, and some of those girls sucked it so hard my ears wiggled and the bed sheets went up my butt. So what does a $1369 hummer feel like? Really. I'd like to know.

Geez, prostitution can be so difficult at times. This is hard work.

Warm regards, Brett Tate

Response number two has a slightly more cultivated choice of words.

I also came across your posting with great interest. I am a 28 year old Wall Street trader who qualifies as an eligible suitor under your $500k/yr rule. In fact, I make over a million and can usher a woman into a comfortable, true middle class lifestyle (not like those 500k lower-middle class chumps who have to make do with the junior two-bedroom).

I am sympathetic to your goal in finding a rich man to marry. The milk needs to be sold by the expiration date. But since this is premium milk, why would you settle for less than premium prices? I would like to address some of the questions that were previously missed by the other gentleman and provide constructive advice on where to find your match.

I also do believe in the efficient market theory, and am surprised that $500k hasn't found you yet. There are plenty of rich lawyers, investment bankers and hedgies to go around in this city. What gives? I think the problem might be that you have not been sufficiently focused in your search efforts.

The culprit, I believe, may be that you are also looking for qualities aside from money - such as looks, personality, and a sense of humor. However, men who have those qualities learn at an early age that they do not need money to attract quality women. As the saying goes, if you can get the milk for free, why pay up for the cow?

What you need to look for is someone who is long money, and short the other aspects. They are not easy to spot, since you are biologically wired to overlook and ignore them. However, the next time that you are at a expensive black tie event, and you are introduced to the short, bald, overweight man who fidgets nervously whilst making conversation with you, pay special attention to him.

Here's an inspirational story for you. An acquaintance of mine who was also an classy and articulate woman as yourself was able to land that guy - who also happens to be one of the top ten guys at Google. This is the type of stuff that gold-digging moms read to their gold-digging daughters at bedtime. Perhaps you need to make a location change to Silicon Valley - miracles like these happen almost everyday in a land where you can randomly throw a rock and hit a rich nerd squarely in his Kim-jong Il glasses.

And as far as his deficiencies go, they turned out to be not so bad. With hundreds of millions in the bank, she's been able to clean him up and give him a little sophistication. Think of it as a fixer-upper project with a massive budget (and yourself as a visionary real estate developer!). Although, I must warn you, it is a fine line you are flirting with - you must not overdo it lest he begins to attract younger women who are hotter than yourself. The trick is, you need build him up enough to be presentable, while simultaneously manipulate him into believing you are the best that he will ever do! That and having kids will be your insurance against your depreciation (or as I prefer to use the term, milk going sour).

I wish the best of luck on your sales project. As for me, I am also available for a short-term lease. However, for marriage I wouldn't consider a woman unless she can bring beauty, brains and self-motivation to the table. I do not want to dilute my gene pool and end up raising a bunch of Paris Hiltons.

Employee evaluations

I love it when I get things like these per email.

These are actual quotes taken from Government employee performance evaluations: [1]

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic things to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him ."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[1] No idea which government, I'm just passing on an email which has probably circuited the world roughly two million times.

Pretty girl wants to marry rich guy = bad trade (a banker's perspective)

Something I picked up from the ether. The original source is some networking portal called Craiglist (such as Xing).

The question

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

• Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
• What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
• Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
• Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
• Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
• How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

The answer

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

My first scam email

This glorious outcry for help just landed in my gmail spam (well done for that google).

Letter of Relationship and Establishment Aid.

From : Nkomo Kamara
Abidjan Cote d' Ivoire West Africa.
Tel+22507924282
For logistic reason contact me on e.mail:(nkomartka@yahoo.fr)
Attention: Respectful

Yada, yada, blah blah blah, dead father, blah blah blah, 9.5 million bucks [written as $9.500.000.000.00, hmmm], yada yada, legally inherited, blah blah blah, gold and diamant mining, yada blah yada, need your bank account details, yada yada, really really good investements, yada yada, interest for you, blah blah blah blah [editorial comment: slightly abbreviated, important stuff highlighted]

Does any one wants to contact him? Any scambaiters around?

Short intermezzo

Mwhahahaha, I love Shortpacked:

Alright, back to herpes viruses.

The European «Song» Contest

Despite my deep revision phase, I had to point out the following:

Any similarities are pure coincidence and I of course fully approve of the European «Song» Contest - the British moderator was ace!

Save the cheerleader, save the world! Oh, Serbia won. And it's a woman [1], by the way.

[1] I think. The male moderator didn't kiss her.

Addendum: The only song I considered worthwile winning was Roger Cicero's «Frauen regier'n die Welt» (women rule the world), but I'm generally a fan of his music [2]. Apparently, there's an English album out as well, which I haven't listened to yet.

[2] Jazz and swing combined with an outstanding (German) voice. On the contrary to his Eurovision song, one of his other albums is called «Männersachen», which casually translated means «men's business».

Google Tisp (beta)

Enjoy.

Notice the "PhD" on the sewage dude.

«The apple experiment» is finished

Since the little bugger wasn't moulding after a considerable time-span (5 months!), I eventually ate it last week in a peculiar hunger attack [1]. Luckily, I was smart enough to collect photographic evidence about my mission, as «some» folks have taken my alleged secretiveness as a serious affront.

About the culinary experience: admittedly, it was a little to sweet for my taste, but what do expect after somewhat more than 5 months of ripening?

[1] I can see the next Sun headline: «Poor student had to eat decaying apple! Authorities are shocked!»

There's life in the old dog yet

My internet connection was recently as reliable as the London tube and therefore the lack of random entertainment from my side. I even bought a wireless PC card to upgrade my laptop to the state of the art of wireless computing. However, the nearby UCL access point is strangely still out of reach. Now it appears as if my halls IT manager [1] sorted out the connectivity problems.

Rather enjoyable were the recent articles in Nature and The Independent [2] about some British colleges awarding science degrees for pseudo-scientific subjects, such as homeopathy. A prominent figure in these discussions is David Colquhoun from the UCL Pharmacology department. The introductory paragraph from his website «DC's improbable science page» promises a couple of entertaining hours browsing it [3]. Enjoy!

This page is devoted to giving publicity to assorted dubious, erroneous, nutty, or downright fraudulent claims about drugs and other sorts of treatment. It includes, but is not restricted to, so-called Complementary and Alternative Medicine (acronym, SCAM). In particular, it is about the incursion of such ideas into universities.

Another interesting article about «Why do women remain curiously absent from ranks of academia?» was published in last week's Nature - on the last page [4].

[1] Or idiot, that's a synonym in this case.
[2] Scanned for your convenience.
[3] I'm especially found of the AIDS goat serum «cure».
[4] Pure coincidence?

What does one do when the supervisor is in a meeting?

Given that digests are running and there's nothing else to do [1], the following:

Overture: playing with dry-ice.

Act I: The glove of unfailable polymerase chain reactions.

Act II: Mr & Mrs Glove.

Epilog: Facebook.

[1] Admittedly, that sounds overly keen, geeky and freaky. All that responsibilty talk must have influenced me more than I wanted (Mum, I don't wanna grow up).

Irradiation rocks, or «the apple experiment»

It certainly rocked whatever microorganisms had lived on my apple before the procedure. The ultimate proof you are asking for? Last year, I bought some tasty [1] UK apples that all but one got consumed by moi [2]. Cleaning and emptying my fridge isn't especially one of my favourite pastimes and I don't stick to expiration dates anyway [3]. Hence, the apple stayed in my fridge for a «good deal» of time - in fact, roughly four months by now. And thanks to the wonders of modern fruit treatment it still looks more or less appealing. If the apple was similar to the flavr savr tomato and had no pectinases I bet it'd be crunchy as well.

I am actually contemplating taking some smears from the surface and incubate them on plate count agar. Very tempting ...

[1] Let's claim they were tasty.
[2] Yes Emily, I also ate the cores.
[3] Unless as there's a green layer of moulds on top or the food starts moving it falls into the Mike-category «eatible».

The latest addition to the miketionary

Look what flew into my mailbox (thanks Aurora).

Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words

Boss

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Doctor

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Divorce

Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end a fool on the other.

Lecture

An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears

The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower which is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Dictionary

A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic

A book, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience

The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb

An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist

A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father

A banker provided by nature.

Criminal

A guy no different from the rest.... except that he got caught.

Politician

One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Mister Deity

This is too hiarious to be kept secret: Mr. Deity. (Seen at Sandwalk)

Some more heresy: God, Inc. by Francis Stokes.

Economic models explained with cows

I received this by email today. Thanks, Mel.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Counselling Service

Dear Student,
The Student Counselling Service is running a series of workshops and training programmes this term on the following:
1. Confidence Building;
2. Overcoming Procrastination;
3. Stress Management & Self-Hypnosis.

yada, yada

«Overcoming Procrastination». Hmm, let me think about this one...

Guess what came per mail today

Wrong! It was my GRE Powerprep software. Let me contemplate this: today is the 15th of January 2007 and I sat the exam on the first of November 2006. I registered for the test one month prior to the test-day, on the first of October. So the CD was only one and a half months late to reach me before the exam [1]. Strangely, it was delivered by Deutsche Post and its journey apparently took it through Frankfurt. Even more confusing is the French postmark.

[1] Not that it would have been useful at this time any more.

World of Warcraft Nerd arrested

This looks pretty fake, nevertheless it amused me. «I wear boots of escaping!» I wish they produced the boots of unfailable lab-experiments.

Fancy a laugher?

Then click the following links.

• Do you remember the Never-ending Story? If not, refresh your memory here.
• Out-fart Michael Moore