Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Definitions

By Lawrence and Gail Bloom, Appeared in J.I.R., December 1974

Chairman of Department
Leaps tall buildings at a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
Professor
Leaps short buildings at a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
Associate Professor
Leaps short buildings with a running start
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is approved
Assistant Professor
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
Instructor
Makes high marks on wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
Research Associate
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive 2 out of 3 times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with life jacket
Talks to walls
Graduate Student
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says, “Look at the Choo-Choo.”
Wets himself with water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
Technican
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the track
Catches bullets in his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God …

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