Definitions

By Lawrence and Gail Bloom, Appeared in J.I.R., December 1974

Chairman of Department

Leaps tall buildings at a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God

Professor

Leaps short buildings at a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Walks on water if the sea is calm

Talks with God

Associate Professor

Leaps short buildings with a running start

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if a special request is approved

Assistant Professor

Barely clears a quonset hut

Loses tug of war with locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occasionally addressed by God

Instructor

Makes high marks on wall when trying to leap buildings

Is run over by locomotive

Can sometimes handle gun without inflicting self-injury

Dog paddles

Talks to animals

Research Associate

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotive 2 out of 3 times

Is not issued ammunition

Can stay afloat with life jacket

Talks to walls

Graduate Student

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building

Says, “Look at the Choo-Choo.”

Wets himself with water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself

Technican

Lifts buildings and walks under them

Kicks locomotives off the track

Catches bullets in his teeth and eats them

Freezes water with a single glance

Is God …